Bitter Farewells

Saying Goodbye to Friends and Who We Used to Be

There are painful goodbye’s in our lives.

I needed to write this goodbye down in my journal this morning. It was a weepy journaling time at 5:30AM, with a cup of turkish black tea.

Laying in bed last night, I had read the very last page of The Lord of the Rings.

Then Frodo kissed Merry and Pippin, and last of all, Sam, and went aboard; the sails were drawn up, and the wind blew, and slowly the ship slipped away down the long grey firth. The light of the glass of Galadriel that Frodo bore glimmered and was lost.

The ship went into the high sea and passed on into the west until, at last, on a night of rain, Frodo smelled the sweet fragrance on the air and heard the sound of singing that came over the water. It seemed to him that, as in his dream in the house of Bombadil, the grey rain curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise.

But to Sam, the evening deepened to darkness as he stood at the haven. As he looked at the grey, he saw only a shadow on the waters that was soon lost in the west.

There still he stood, far into the night, hearing only the sigh and murmur of the waves on the shore of Middle-earth, and the sound of them sank deep into his heart. Beside him stood Merry and Pippin, and they stood silent.

Here’s what I journaled:

Some tears this morning. Feeling the heaviness of a good-bye. Bitter farewells, parting from good friends.

10 years ago since I made my departure. I remember Jon (brother) slept in my bed for the week leading up to it.

I guess I have been lucky to have many partings, some bitter, some joyful.

It is a gift to know so many.

It is a pain to leave or be left behind.

Arguably harder to be left behind, the same life but without the light of that person to illuminate your world.

In a way, we are always parting with things: parting with our memories, our stories of the past, who we are and who we used to be.

I look at my son, as I change his diaper at 5 in the morning. As he patiently looks at me, I am parting with who he is in this season. He will not always be small. He will only be small and jovial like this in his beginning season. Moving forward, I will have parted with this version of him.

We never know when it’s the last time we’ll see someone special in our lives.

I wish I would have known it would be the last time I saw Joseph before his taxi crashed in Istanbul.

I wish I would have known I wouldn’t see Grandpa again the last time I was with him. I would have given him a longer hug.

As much as I want to avoid goodbyes with friends, I never can. They are so important.

Bitter farewells are the closing of a chapter or even of the whole book.

The curtain call - and as the actors bow, it’s time to say goodbye.

What was, was good, but it is no longer.

Only a memory.

There still he stood, far into the night, hearing only the sigh and murmur of the waves on the shore of Middle-earth, and the sound of them sank deep into his heart. Beside him stood Merry and Pippin, and they stood silent.

-Josh Caliguire