For the past 3 years I have worked remotely, which has been a very rewarding yet very difficult thing for me. I’m a friendmaker, an extrovert, and I love community. My best way I show up in the world is around others.

But the social difficulty of working remote and a reduction of exposure to people has made me reflect and focus on how to optimize my life to stay in touch with friends and with the world around me.

It’s a work in progress.

Well, as always, here’s a reminder to send some lovey messages to a few friends in your life.

Maybe give your parents a call or your childhood friend.

If you’re wanting to do some more friendship dives today, here’s a few classics.

Have fun.

-Josh Caliguire

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Living in Mazatlan, Mexico has it ups and downs, upsides and drawbacks.

One thing I will swear by though - the morning vibes are immaculate. Always.

I believe heaven is just Mazatlan from 5AM-9AM perpetually.

The smell of roasting coffee from Cafe El Marino (huge factory 3 miles away) wafts over when the wind is off shore (perfect for surfing too).

The surfing, coffee shops, sunrise, joggers out on the boardwalk… dreamy stuff indeed.

And whatever dangers lurked in the nighttime in Sinaloa, Mexico… they’re fast asleep now. Mornings are just a wholesome time of day.

This is my stroller route:

Yesterday I had my airpods in, walking my son’s stroller. He was wide eyed, leaned forward, watching the waves, birds, and cars.

I was listening to Diary of a CEO (A favorite podcast of my brother Jeff’s), on an episode with Daniel Priestley, who has been one of my favorite guests/people to get to know.

Being in the marketing/sales world, I love his thoughts on entrepreneurship, his stories of loss and success. He seems to have a very opportunistic, optimistic view of things.

What I loved most though, which follows a thru-line with many others I have heard recently, is that he landed everything back on the firm ground that relationship is everything.

Past all the achievements, the grind, doing something great… our capacity of loving others, being loved, investing in family, being a good friend, caring for others… that was the cream of the crop. That’s what lasted.

His speech slowed down and you could tell he was getting teary at the end of the podcast. Steven was asking him about a mentor figure who had died from a stroke suddenly.

With great fondness, Daniel recounted how much that relationship had meant to him, and how fleeting life can be.

He explained the feeling of “I didn’t know that would be my last conversation with him”.

I guess we never know.

What Daniel still had, although his friend and mentor was gone, were voice memos on his phone. They became treasures to him, and he still goes back to listen to them.

A common phrase within the memos was, “It’s not lost on me that_____”, taking time to appreciate the weight Daniel was holding or places he may feel misunderstood.

He felt seen.

Apparently, lots of people had received voice memos from this man, as he honored them and took time to share something.

Those kinds of things are gifts. The time we take to let others know we see them, we appreciate them, we cherish them.

This morning as I journaled about this, I was reminded of one of my favorite Youtube videos of all time: Voice Memos from My Friends, by my brother.

I’ll let the experience of hearing these memos and seeing the goodness of talented videography take the rest.

Enjoy your morning, friends.

Leave someone a message today, and tell them what’s not lost on you about them.

Thank you for being a legend.

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Today I am writing at 6:12AM. Coffee and tea are at each table and couch in my house, and friends are enjoying some quiet space before the day begins. The birds and the refrigerator hum are the only noises.

As much as reading would be nice right now, I don’t have the energy to do it today. Or at least not at this hour. Even after two cups of coffee.

At least it feels good to be awake and with good company.

Last month we went to Switzerland. It was wintery, but as I hoped, was a laid back and cozy time. Many cups of tea, fresh loaves of bread, and of course chocolate were part of each day.

It was precious.

We traveled a very far distance with a baby, three flights and a train to get there. A bit of a nightmare but he still made people smile wherever we went.

We try to forget that day and a half.

But we went to Switzerland for friends. For friendship!

Some relationships are too important to lose to the slow decay of time and distance. A few years ago my wife and I made the resolve to “go the distance” for our friends.

Well, we got to put it in practice. All the hustle, change of environment, and expenses cemented it into my mind: friendship is worth sacrificing for. Stay in touch and show you care.

And, well, Switzerland isn’t a bad place to visit friends.

Our trip was simple in nature and good for the soul. Each night after the kids went to bed, we stayed up and talked, drank tea… and crushed most of the Lord of the Rings Extended Edition.

As we finished our time in Switzerland, two weeks staying with friends, I reflected on how important proximity is for friendship. Time together, especially enough to be bored… that’s where the good stuff comes from.

I’m thankful for all that our swiss friends taught us.

That was only first part of our europe trip… but I’ll leave that for next time.

-Josh Caliguire

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There have been some perks, but I’ve been experiencing and observing some tough changes, down to the level of friendships and interactions with people we meet.

How about you?

These problems we face are like a rising tide; unfortunately, most of these appear to only be increasing in intensity. Isolation and mental illness sweep our countries, addictions to phones, pornography, all things internet… we’ve gotten into some murky water, and I’m noticing that we’re inevitably changing with it.

I want to pinpoint some of the changes we’ve gone through since the internet/social media boom and how we may be showings symptoms of it.

The antidote (or at least one of them), lies in some of the most simple and precious things we have, our friendships.

First, let’s explore some of the elements of this rising tide that is up against us.

We watch people all day, but don’t interact with them

Think about the ratio of time you spend looking at videos/photos versus looking into someone’s eyes.

We spend more and more time looking at people, watching them, instead of learning how to interact with them ourselves!

Instagram, Tik Tok, Youtube, and all our streaming platforms get us hours and hours of looking at people, yet not connecting with anyone.

One of my observations is that eye-contact, small-talk, and simple interactions are on the decrease.

Have you become more skittish/nervous in face-to-face interactions?

I definitely have since 2020.

Ideas are only getting more polarized

I remember being stunned as I watched the Social Dilemma, in many different moments of the documentary. One of the surprising problems addressed was algorithm bias. Big data is trained to learn your bias and only recommend more content that affirms it.

What happens with the different opinions being formed and reinforced is that people subconsciously assume everyone has the same ‘feed’ as them. Then, we are appalled when they think something contrary... “has your head been stuck in your ***?”.

If this intrigues you, I found the 3 minute youtube clip of this idea in the Social Dilemma here.

With the fast-paced world of posting, different viewpoints are diminished to the most emotional triggers. This constant idea war we see online threatens to keep our circles close, and keep our relationships to those which are as like-minded as possible.

There’s way less need to be face-to-face with people than before.

• You can order your food/groceries to your door.

• You don’t go into the bank anymore to manage your finances

• Less of us go to church or religious gatherings

• Millenials/Gen Z have phased out of school, which was all-day connection beforehand

• We can just text/call our family and friends to stay connected

• An increasing amount of people work from home

• Loneliness can be augmented artificially through social media and make us less inclined to go out and connect with others

Woah, this all happened really fast.

How is this affecting us? How is it affecting you? Your sense of connection and friendship?

The list may be long for this category. Comment some others below that come to mind for you!

Rebuilding Connection

Now let’s get talking about the wholesome stuff that makes all the difference.

The antidote for these issues lies not only in more connection, but better connection, which requires some bravery, intentionality, and hope that this is possible. We must come back to the central truth that we were made for each other, not to live or suffer alone.

Mother Teresa put it in such a lovely way:

“If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other”

So, it may be true, that interacting with others feels harder than it used to. We all could use more solid friendships, calm atmospheres of conversation, and listening on both sides.

I want to offer several suggestions for how to increase connectedness in your life with others: first for current friends, and second for people you meet.

For Your Friendships

1. Lower the threshold for reasons to be together

Is it just me, or did the ‘anti’ get ‘upped’ for what makes a worthy hangout?

Over the years, time with friends has included more and more restaurant bills, bar tabs, and airbnb costs. Even a humble coffee date goes for $14+ for two lattes, tax, and tip!

When I was a boy, we knew the numbers of our friends in the neighborhood.

All it took was a quick call, asking, “can you play”? And that was enough reason to come over. As adults, we’ve time spent together has gotten much more formal, purposeful, and often, more expensive.

The nature of how we spend the time together has changed, too.

I saw an instagram reel from James Matthews, a guy who helps entrepreneurs, who articulated this change accurately!

He said, “What adults get wrong about friendship: we don’t get wasteful, lazy, unproductive time together… it’s always scheduled, ‘you catch me up, I’ll catch you up.’”

It’s in those unproductive, unhurried times that our real self can come out.

Perhaps we’ve gotten too formal, too flashy with our friendship time. I propose we lower the threshold for reasons and opportunities to be together. It may be a bit childlike, but give it a try for a bit.

“Can I come over?”

“Want to go for a walk together?”

“Want to have breakfast at my house tomorrow?"

“I have to go grocery shopping later today. Want to join me?”

“Want to come over sometime this weekend?”

The unproductive, unhurried time together is where friendship gold comes from.

I used to practice this with my neighbors across the street, Barry and Venda, farmers in their 60’s. It’s been a blast.

Every couple of days, I’d give Barry a ring and say, “Heidi-ho neighbor! Ok if I come by tonight for tea?”

It’s a bit bold, but the hours of lazy time we get together each week are so good for all of us.

The more we carry the conviction that connection is what we’re made for, and make our plans/decisions based off of it, the more we will live healthy social lives.

An evening of tea at Barry’s was certainly better than doom scrolling for the evening.

2. Balance out the dialogue

My brother Jon pulled me aside a few years ago and told me, “I love hearing your stories and all your accomplishments, I do…but sometimes I feel a lack of interest to how I’ve been, and teasing stories out of me too!”

That feedback hit me hard.

Jon has taught me since, that both over-talking and under-talking/shifting-from-the-attention can both be forms of defense or control mechanisms. His thoughts on that struck a cord with me, as I tended to over-talk, to avoid awkwardness, or perhaps felt it was ‘helpful’ to a shyer personality.

If you tend to over talk, practice shortening your ideas and think of more questions to ask, that tease out stories and the truer, deeper things of your friends!

If you prefer to listen and keep the attention on the other person, practice sharing more of your own thoughts, questions, and stories.

Who you are is a blessing, and you’re worth listening to!

3. Make regular calls with friends that are important to you

One of the biggest assumptions we all make is that our friends are too busy, wrapped up in their own lives, and perhaps even getting estranged to us, when distance and time take their course.

But some of those friendships are worth the upkeep, wouldn’t you agree?

This is your reminder that calls to friends are the coolest. Don’t let time, distance, or assumptions get the best of that. At the end of the call, I can already guess they’ll say, “Hey- thanks for calling, that meant a lot to me”, or, “this made my day!”.

4. Cheesy Small Groups or real talk time

I used to have a small group of high school guys that met once a week. It was normal at the time because that’s just what church kids did, but I didn’t realize how rare that kind of stuff was, and especially now today.

It’s not that enticing at first, but real time to be together and connect on real-life hardships, questions, and stories is so healthy for adults to keep close.

Even something as cheesy as ‘highs and lows’ can be a great way to understand how your friends are really doing. It’s good for the heart to know my friends understand my great moments and my difficult ones too. Knowing others and being known is critical.

Use your house, your friend’s living room, or even a roof to watch the sun go down. Having something to drink/bake/cook together is helpful!

We all need real talk.

*If needed, a group call can accomplish this too*

Meeting People/Making Friends

1. The Lost Art of Eye Contact

Looking people in the eye, in my experience, was a skill I needed to learn and practice when I was in grade school. It’s pretty advanced stuff! It certainly was much more ‘comfortable’ to look elsewhere, and it took being brave to keep eye contact with people - strangers, acquaintances.

I have a sense that it’s been harder to keep that up in these last years- and more times I watch it be difficult for others. Have you experienced this too?

2. What’s your name?

Going around in public, we can interact with lots of people without getting their names most of the time. I don’t like it… especially when there is conversation, some form of service, etc.

Getting someone’s name is that it helps you ‘see’ them more. They become of more substance in our minds, and I believe that it helps us to see more of their value and understand they have their own full life of experience, hardship, and they are just as real as those things are for us.

This is of course a very simple idea. Get people’s names more often, share yours. And if/when you see them again, and you remember theirs, it’s a subtle but meaningful moment of “you matter”.

This became more and more important to me with interactions from people in any service industry. They can be treated like less-than-human and it’s sad to watch or hear about. Make someone’s shift easier and more fun by being a great guest, and get to know them if time permits.

3. Be a friend to someone new

Wise brother Jon told me many years ago, “Many of us walk around, waiting to be tapped on the shoulder, invited along, chosen. The irony is that everyone is waiting to be chosen, and no one is willing to be the chooser.”

Another assumption we make, especially in isolation and loneliness, is that ‘everyone else has their relational bases covered except for me’ .

But my friend, that’s just not true.

Perhaps you’ve thought before, “no one is intentional with me”. Maybe that’s true.

But what if we’re all feeling that?

If we flip it on its head, ‘being a friend’ to someone may actually gain you one as well. Don’t forget that you are a blessing to those around you!

There are many things to focus our efforts on these days. But I’m finding that solid relationships and loving others seem to outweigh the rest.

I hope these tips are an encouragement to you in your journey. We’re tired of our attention being gamed by tech and money - and I do believe we will see a resurgence in community, friendships, and real life.

Let’s fight this tide together.

-Josh Caliguire

Please comment below what resonates with you, or what you’re learning these days about building and maintaining relationships!

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Today is a rainy Saturday and a flood of friends have been over at the house today, after our friend’s daughter’s birthday party got rained out. It was lovely. I love using my/our home as a place of blessing, hospitality, and connection with others.

I want to share some tips I have been trying to practice in my friendships recently. I certainly am not an expert or a social psychologist.

I’m just an aspiring ‘good friend’. I think being a good friend is undervalued and truly needed these days. I will call it a successful life if I can succeed at being a really good friend.

Here’s my four words that are currently my aim in my friendships: Consistency, Honesty, Priority, and Generosity.

Consistency

Regular, expected time with friends is the cheat code for me these days. Because making new weekly plans with friends can be exhausting. Always checking schedules, trying to make it exciting… it all can just be a grind.

Just having one time per week to do something, even the most simple of things like going on a walk together or having breakfast… can be quite helpful.

These days, Nathan and I walk our babies together in our strollers in the mornings. Not every morning, but we will text each other around 7AM and just see if the other is free. Someone normally brings coffee and little cups, and we meet up, walk for 45 minutes, ad say goodbye. Seeing Nathan every couple of days at the same time of day for the exact same thing just makes me happy. It gives me that people-connection-joy and makes my day better. And I know he appreciates it too.

Kyo and I go out for breakfast each week at a diner. I barely roll out of bed 5 minutes before I meet him, and even though I’m tired, it’s really good to see him each week and connect.

I pick up Colter 3 times a week for Early Mornings at my house. Getting a few minutes together with him, for the same days each week, in the early hours of the day, means more than words can say to me. I know that each week, no matter what’s going on, I will get to spend time with him.

These days, with our fragmented attention and busy schedules, simple but agreed-upon time to be with friends is a life saver.

Honesty

You may still be being honest with your friends. But do you ever connect with only the partial truth? The way of sharing how you are… that is true, but doesn’t reveal what is hard or painful?

I think it’s quite easy for us to waste opportunities with friends, only talking about what’s good, what’s working, what’s exciting, what’s funny. Because at the end of the day, you don’t really need to be known for what’s going well. You need to be known in what is not going well. With friends that can hold space for you. Or at least they will try as they know best, which is all we can ask!

I really awkwardly threw out a proposal of sharing “highs and lows” at a breakfast diner this week. Just me and two other guys, with diner mugs and booths. It felt like something you’d do in a middle school small group. But a few minutes later, we were all really glad to be in a deeper conversation with each other, getting to hear the good and the hard. It made all of us feel more comfortable to share the hard stuff that won’t just randomly come up in conversation.

Practicing honesty or perhaps a more comprehensive snapshot of my current well being or story has been really beneficial. It’s hard. But what’s harder is not feeling like anyone is with you in the hard stuff, and not really knowing the hard stuff in your friend’s life.

Do you know what your friend’s problems are? What their needs are? If not… go and find out!

Priority

Pay attention to what takes your margin these days: the in-between of the bigger events. What you do when you have a few minutes or hours between your next thing. I’m guessing it’s your phone, social media, or games. Why? Those have become mine too.

Boredom and margin give us space to consider what we need, what is life giving, what is the bigger picture. Without them, we are distracted, and don’t take the time to consider what we need.

Find ways to make relationships a part of your margin again. Instead of listening to a podcast on a walk or commute, call a friend. Instead of another night in to watch tv, invite a friend over. Even if it’s to watch tv together. But perhaps you’ll get more creative than that.

I have found that surfacing my relationships as a top-of-mind priority helps me to make decisions for how I spent my days. How am I connecting with others? What feels a bit outside my comfort zone but I know is more aligned with my relational needs?

It’s okay to have needs. Sometimes that feels weird to say or to accept. So do your friends. And often times your relational needs get met together when you spend time with them. It’s a win win. As much as it is good for you to engage with others, don’t forget that you’re a blessing to them too. They will need your questions, your insight, your jokes, your intentionality, just as much as you need theirs.

Generosity

This isn’t a generosity like to a charity or foundation. This is a generosity of spirit. Have you ever spent time with someone that clearly just finds you useful? That they need something from you, but they don’t have a genuine interest in you?

Or have you ever treated someone like that?

I chose the word generosity because I have wanted to shift my focus from “what benefit does this person give to me” to “how could I be a blessing to them”. I am often challenged by Jesus’ words, asking the value of only loving those who are easy to love. It punches me in the gut.

I want to live my live generously, care about people generously, and not hold on so tight, so protectively…

The opposite of my question above, of spending time with someone who is “life-giving”, is my aim. I want to think more about my relationships and how I can be a giver of life to them.

That’s all for today friends. Let me know what you think and which word you need or resonate with most, in the comments!

-Josh Caliguire

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Happy New Year, wonderful subscribers!

2025 was a blast. I have written more in this last year than perhaps in 5 years combined beforehand. I owe it to your encouragement and feedback.

People have resonated with the topic of friendship.

This past November, I got my first public speaking opportunity on this message of friendship. I got to combine all of what I’ve learned and processed over the year into a message, and it was a blast. My audience was laughing, smiling, and nodding with deep understanding when I spoke about some of the hardships we experience in modern day life and friendship.

I got to be really practical on how to make new friends, sustain and improve current friendships, and create community.

After I finished my talk on friendship, I instructed everyone to form groups of 3 or 4 and discuss/share about their own friendship experiences and what they want to grow in. They lingered in conversation for 30+ minutes, sitting out on the grass, on couches, around tables, listening to each other (we talked about being a good listener as a way to improve friendships).

Many people afterwards came to me saying, ‘I have never heard any teaching on this before!’, and said it was really helpful. One girl decided to start hosting meals at her house each week and inviting friends.

I am encouraged to keep going.

Thank you to all of you, and to my paid subscribers… you guys are so kind. I will keep going!

Wishing you well in your New Year’s vision and dreaming. May this be a year full of intentionality and deep friendship.

-Josh Caliguire

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Our first conversation, A Pilot’s Guide to Everyday Connection was enthralling: an American and an Englishman, sipping coffee in a Canadian farm-town café, discussing the joys of making new friends.

He gave me the download of how to connect with people I meet.

I wasn’t sure if I would cross paths with Andrew again. Was it just a one day friendship?

But, a few months later, there he was in front of me, grinning. I motioned for him to sit at my table, and he happily obliged.

I hoped I’d see you again! -We both said.

Josh, I’ve just come from a trip to Colorado. It was spectacular.

Oh yeah? Tell me about it!

Well, you know, I’ve been doing ‘our thing’ while traveling…

It was funny to me that he called it “our thing”. Our ‘thing’ was our shared intention to connect with the world around us; the people we wait in line with, the people we pass on the street, the people that are marginalized, ignored, or stepped over.

I did something new after our last conversation… I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Each time I met someone and had some kind of interaction with them, I wrote it down on my phone…. I’m up to 30 entries of names, conversations, and details.

Wow no way, that is wild! 30!!! What did you observe? What did you learn?

Andrew brought me back to interaction after interaction. With an airline employee, a homeless man, a fur coat maker in the mountains, and more. Names, details, and impressions.

I marveled at the fact that he took the time to write each one down.

I thought, would I ever do that? And for what purpose?

Well, I am starting to now. Here’s a what pushed me over the line:

A few weeks ago I got click baited (with much gratitude) to watching videos of Oz Pearlman. I’m sure most people binge everything they can find of him after watching one video.

He is a ‘mentalist’, famous for reading people’s minds, and turning it into a magic trick. But beneath it, he is simply an expert in human behavior, and, and expert in memory.

I eventually found an interview with him with Steven Bartlett with Diary of a CEO. It was pure gold.

Besides all of the wild and borderline impossible feats he does on the regular, I found his thoughts behind memory with for people he meets to be very inspiring.

Everywhere he goes, after every interaction with someone, every event, uber ride, and interview, he writes it all down. Names, locations, specific important things he learned about someone. That their favorite color was turquoise and their son in law Darren loves to fish. They love the Chicago Bulls, they just graduated law school, and they have a December birthday.

Oz described how powerful, ‘almost like magic’ it feels when someone remembers a detail about you and asks. Like someone you met 3 weeks ago that uses your name as soon as you see them again, or someone who asks how your _____ is doing or how the ____ went. It just means a lot.

He also talked about the embarrassing tendency we have to forget people’s names immediately when we are talking with them.

I’m so guilty of that. For the last year, this horrible experience has happened enough times for me to say, ‘I need help!’

• Forgetting their name immediately after our first conversation

• Forgetting their name after I already asked them to remind me of their name. (worse)

• Forgetting their name and pretending that I for sure know their name, while they use mine the whole time, and it’s way too late to ask again (crumbling pit of despair).

Here are Oz’s recommendations:

• Ask their name and LISTEN. Don’t be thinking about what to say next.

• Talk about their name. Relate it to something in your life, perhaps a friend with the same name, or ask them the meaning of it/history of it if it is interesting. With some names, you can ask how it is spelled. Sarah with an H at the end, or Sara without?

• Start using their name: So Sara, where did you grow up? When you say goodbye, It was so good to meet you Sara!

• Don’t be afraid to tell them you forgot and ask again. It shows you are sincere, willing to be humble/show your flaws, and really do want to remember their name.

• Write it down afterwards, with anything you’d like to remember about them, or things you found noteworthy about what they were like/looked like. Curly hair, glasses, braces, wore a olive sweater. Loves peach cobbler.

Besides Oz’s wild talent, the way he learned how to connect with others was so inspiring.

After my second conversation with Pilot Andrew and some inspiration from Oz, I decided I would get started on cluttering my phone notes. Now, everywhere I go, I pull out my phone after an interaction to record a few details. It is truly wonderful, and I have already benefitted from the extra memory several times.

Walking into my local pastry shop, I looked up Lesly’s name before I made another order.

I always pass the same restaurant on my walk to the beach for a morning surf. But the guy who greets me every time, I keep getting his name wrong, or forget it. So I stopped saying hi. Now I know for sure he is Rafael Osuna and he loves John Denver. And I say hi each time with his name.

I was teaching in Guadalajara and wrote down names and descriptions of all the students. I had it all down just by the first evening!

Here’s some longer entries for fun:

Darryl Phyllips asked if he could sit with me at Panda Express. at the Phoenix airport. It was a lovely conversation, he had a orange tweed jacket. We very slowly but gently got into conversation about his work that he worked at Walmart for 20 years in the food distribution, which started with his dad having a trucking company in California. he told me that he had really regretted not learning Spanish, and that his senior of high school his teacher had told him that he should spend a summer in Mexico learning to lock it in. He was drawn to what I was doing in Mexico, and at some point, I noticed he may have been close to tears. We were talking about the tension between gratitude of living in the United States, and also, seeing some of the issues that need to be spoken about and navigated. Something I loved was when he said that God has been working on him. He said he didn’t use to have time for people, was always in a rush. He is now moving past that, and learning that relationships and listening are really important. What about he wanted to stay in touch, so I gave him my email, and he said he for sure knows that we were supposed to meet.

Daryll subscribed to hear more, too - so - Hi Darryl, if you’re reading! I hope we get another Orange Chicken date again someday.

I met Gabriel Castillo at E+'L’s. My contacts weren’t in so he was blurry. Dad from Nayarit, mom from Quebec. AG Missionary to Shi’An China.

Lyndon and I visited Navy at the 24 hour donut shop in Huntington Beach. I asked her more about her story and she told me her dad was a general in Cambodia. Both mom and dad were gunned down during the genocide. She was 5 years old, jumped into the river and swam while they went to shoot her too, but the bullets missed her. A California church and a specific man sponsor helped her come to the USA. He passed away 7 years ago, but this man changed her life. She is putting all her kids through college in Berkeley with her work. She took her tip jar recently to pay for formula and baby products for a recent disaster relief in Central Asia. She is a legend. (Journal Entry, Friday, November 7th, 2025)

I’ll leave you with something from a book I read on the plane yesterday:

“There are two types of books. The books you pull off the shelf, and the walking ones.” (Known by Dick Foth)

Happy friendship and connection!

-Josh Caliguire

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Interview with Oz

The idea was simple:

Wake up early. But with friends.

Make the coffee and tea, open the door. Everyone finds a nook in the house.

A quiet room kitchen/living room, full of friends, at 5AM.

The last 30 minutes, ask, “how was your morning?” and give space to hear from each person.

I received a lot of positive feedback from the story, and it even got featured on an author’s collection called The Remarkable Ordinary.

It’s Growing!

One of the outcomes of the post has been messages from others saying they would want to open up their own homes to host Early Mornings.

They said it stirred in them the desire to create space for community through hospitality.

It’s really neat.

I have started receiving messages from people I’ve never met before, saying they are having 4:30AM coffee and scripture/journaling time in their houses for friends and family.

Two weeks ago, Emily, a friend of mine who came to Early Mornings in 2019, let me know she is now married, living in Ireland, and is beginning to invite others over in the morning in her home.

Another married couple said they’ve been hosting Early Mornings in their house for over a year.

And just yesterday at 7AM, my friend Kelly sent me this video from her house:

Other Updates from Early Mornings in our House

Well, they’re still really hard to wake up for. That hasn’t changed.

Our current crew is really fun. There’s about 25 of us.

We’ve had a lot of fun.

The Coffee Urn

For the first 7 years of Early Mornings, manning the coffee pot was a big task. The pot only made about 7 cups of coffee, so if there were 21+ people, plus refills… that needed a lot of attention throughout the morning.

This year, I told my wife, I think we should get one of those big coffee urns that they have at the buffets… what do you think?

She said, “uh let’s lets do it. You know, I told you that like 4 years ago.”

I thought I was so original and genius.

Get this: The day after we bought the $50 coffee urn, a friend of mine randomly venmo’d me $50. No context.

Bro do you hear from God?

We also have a big tea drinking crew right now. We are currently working through a big box of Tetley’s (200 bags) and a new favorite of mine, Ahmad Tea’s English Tea #1, which is a black tea with a light touch of bergamot oil (the flavor of earl grey tea, citrus). Everyone is loving that one.

Sometimes my friends will say, “this is the best coffee I’ve ever had!” And I smile and say “sweet!” While I hid my tin of folgers

The Early Morning Bus

A friend of mine got jumped on the way over to my house a few mornings. I heard her scream at 5:26 am and ran outside with a friend to find her walking alone and crying, with her bag (bible, wallet) stolen.

That was a hard day. She came over and we did our best to comfort her. We spent the day at government offices, filing reports.

Since then, I decided to offer a ride to anyone who didn’t live close enough to walk or didn’t feel safe to walk.

So the ‘early morning bus’ began.

I have to turn on the coffee urn 30 minutes before serving anyways, so… it worked out.

But honestly, I don’t mind it. Going for a drive wakes me up, and my ‘bus mates’ and I have bonded quite a bit.

The Day Strategy

We decided to go to 3x a week, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday.

Not Mondays, because it’s hard to wake up early after the weekend.

Tuesday and Wednesday, back to back. Doable.

Thursday, take a break.

Friday, well… the weekend is soon. So even if we are tired, more rest is coming soon.

Are you not exhausted?

Some people hear what I do and think it sounds exhausting. Or they feel the need to thank me for doing such a grand thing as hosting these mornings.

But I think there are some things that God gives us to steward that are just a perfect fit. None of the hardship feels too hard, nor something I have ever wanted to complain about.

If anything, it’s been one of my favorite parts of my life.

The moments of sitting in a quiet home full of young people doing the hard work of processing, journaling, searching the scriptures…

Offering a warm drink to someone, and a restful place to be and sit…

Sitting around on couches and rugs, listening to each person on how the morning went for them/what’s on their mind…

I miss it by the time daylight comes.

-Josh Caliguire

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Eye Contact!

What is it like for you… these days?

Have you noticed any changes in the way it feels… to maintain your gaze at someone?

To speak to someone without looking away?

That’s hard stuff.

And I’ve seen it get harder in recent years.

Looking someone in the eye is a bit of a dying art. It is just so… vulnerable.

It is a deep connection for a world that is both dying of hunger for depth, and also deathly afraid of that same depth.

COVID was part of it. Masks on, social distancing, don’t go outside. Don’t get close to people.

Our phones make it hard. We can easily spend MUCH more time looking at people on screens than in real life. Watching videos, tv, all watching interaction but partaking in none of it.

Then when it’s your turn? To talk to someone?

Oh yeah… how do I do this again? Human…embodied…conversation?

I don’t have a training manual on eye contact. But I do have some morning reflections.

Featuring my wife’s amazing photos of the human gaze. Go ahead, linger a bit on each one.

Let’s celebrate the beauty of eye contact with those we meet and spent time with, and make it our mission to be that non-anxious presence who can keep that connection.

It is sacred.

The human soul needs to hear it belongs. It is cherished, it is beloved.

Yet why is it so hard to receive love, though we very much long for it?

What does it mean, if we cannot look into the soul of another?

It is a good reflection to think of who you have the most seamless eye contact with, and who you struggle the most to share that intimate connection with.

What are the things that break it? What makes that connection unbearable?

Sometimes we joke about how someone was “staring into your soul” with the way they looked at you. Well, they do say eyes are the window to the soul.

Sometimes that can feel scary, Eye of Sauron kind of gaze.

But other times, it is the look of love.

Have you ever had a conversation where, just by the way they looked at you, you felt loved?

Casey, a friend of mine that is a Spiritual Director, said one of the most powerful things he can offer to someone during a meeting together is just a ‘knowing look of love’.

Unbroken eye contact, with a demeanor of deep understanding and compassion.

I asked, what if you’re meeting virtually?

“Even when I meet over Zoom, I often listen, but instead of look at their face on my screen, I just listen and look at the camera lens.”

Dang. That’s wild.

Being present might be a superpower in our overly distracted world.

Listening is a love language. I have certainly felt most loved by those who have good questions, more than the typical, who genuinely want to know how I was or who I truly was.

When I think about those who have deeply loved me and influenced me, I am shocked to look back and think about how much listening they did.

If you’re one of those people... thank you.

I hope I can offer the same.

What breaks eye contact?

So much. Shame, guilt, self-pity, strife. Distraction. Anxiety. Self doubt. Pain.

What brings eye contact?

Willingness. The ability to receive love and care from another. Love for the other. Delight in the other. Full attention.

A.W. Tozer penned an unforgettable thought about this; how even our spiritual life has eye contact central to it:

“When we lift our inward eyes to gaze upon God we are sure to meet friendly eyes gazing back at us, for it is written that the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout all the earth. The sweet language of experience is “Thou God seest me.” When the eyes of the soul looking out meet the eyes of God looking in, heaven has begun right here on this earth.”

-Josh Caliguire

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During our sabbatical, we decided to pack our bags and walk the Camino de Santiago in France and Spain.

It has since become our “Roman Empire”.

Each day of our walk, I decided to take a video of just a few seconds.

Featured in this collection of those moments are the vast countrysides, cities, meals, and friends of the Camino.

Lots of us being tired, stoking each other up.

Lots of cappuccinos. Lots of early mornings, heading out at dusk or even with headlamps on.

Here’s the adventure…

If you want to catch up on the past Camino posts:

Part 1: The Mourning Father
(The story that brought me to walk the Camino)

Part 2: Soaked and Happy
(It poured the whole time on day one. It was great.)

Part 3: Over the Pyrenees.
(Epic photos)

Part 4: Praying for Pilgrims
(I asked 14 people along the way, can I pray for you?)

Part 5: The Road to Pamplona
(Walking. A lot. I need coffee.)

Part 6: Not All Who Wander are Lost
(What it was like to be a pilgrim (Lord of the Rings themed))

-Josh Caliguire

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I think, for so long, I’ve relied on social media to remind me of things and connect me to people. But now that I don’t keep those on my phone anymore, I needed somewhere to keep it.

There are some friendships that are simply not worth losing to time. Or even my capacity to remember!

Where could I go, just to remember to give someone a call?

To send a text?

I know those things certainly make my day to receive them. I’m sure it’s a welcome gesture in anyone’s day.

Listening

Asking good questions, eye contact, and attention to someone’s words might be my new favorite love language. I wouldn’t claim that I am an expert in it. But it is an object of my focus now, and I hope I grow in that gift.

Some of the best feedback someday could give me was that they just felt “listened to” and understood.

Just a few days ago, I came across one of my friends in a hard moment of disappointment. She was standing by herself, looking around aimlessly. “Hey! Everything OK?”

It was only about 3 minutes of conversation, but, as she walked back, she turned and said, “yeah, I’m good now. I just needed to be heard and seen.”

-Josh Caliguire

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I thought they were lame, and frankly, I wasn’t really one to keep track of time.

I let other people do that, you know… grown ups and such.

But my first watch has quite the story to it.

When I was in Australia studying in Newcastle, our class had a night of generosity. It was an activity that warmed my heart tremendously.

All 63 of us were commissioned to give something away. It could be anything. It didn’t need to be costly, it didn’t need to be big.

But we all were tasked with this: ask God for what to give, and who to give it to.

Learning to hear God’s voice was a bit of wild subject. But man, I learned during that time just how intentional God is. And that he wasn’t distant or disinterested.

That evening, as we all came back together with our gift, beautiful things unfolded.

Hours of goodness progressed. I cried happy tears watching it all happen. People giving and receiving gifts that were special beyond price. Flowers to one girl, a necklace to another, a ring to a friend. Sacrificial giving, thoughtful things, and woven throughout it was an intentionality and ‘how could they have known?’ that only God can do.

Someone was given a donation for their school fees. Someone got a pair of shoes. My Australian friend Mitch gave his car to another girl on staff. He literally walked across the room and handed his friend the keys.

Someone received a letter, another got a laptop.

This was all above my paygrade of understanding what God was up to and how he speaks. But I do know that each person just asked, tried to listen, and then went for it.

As the evening finished, I was sitting on the floor with my classmates, onto the next thing.

To my left was Moses from Michigan.

For some reason, my attention was drawn to his watch.

As I was looking, I had a sudden nudge that I was supposed to ask him for it.

OK.

WHAT?

That has got to be the most outlandish thing.

Really? Ask someone for their own personal belongings? That’s too far.

…Is that really you God?

Well, as crazy as it was, I went for it.

“Hey Moses, can I have your watch?”

His eyes widened with pure amazement.

Ok, not the look I was expecting.

“DUDE NO WAY.” he said, stunned.

I asked, “What? What?!”

He said, “I’ve been asking God all day who I was supposed to give my watch to!”

“Nooooo!! Whatttt!”

“So this must be for you!”

Moses, grinning, untied his watch and put it on my wrist.

I was stunned.

Every morning I woke up with it, I was reminded that God does speak. And somehow he knew I needed to be more timely.

I wore that watch for a long time, and it always felt like this wild gift. Both from Moses and from God.

I found a shot from 2015 with young josh and the watch: The Casio Forester. Velcro strap and all.

Since that moment of generosity, watches have always been loose on me. I like to give them away, especially to people who tell me they like them. My brother Jon used to have a saying: “you like it, you keep it”.

And, unfortunately, the Pacific Ocean has a few as well. So it goes.

The Great Thanks-Giving

Two years later, I was in Colorado with my family and friends who were visiting from out of town, gathered around the table for a classic thanksgiving meal.

Around the table, a question had been presented to everyone from one of my brothers: “what’s the best gift you’ve ever received?”

Wow, what a great question. Keep that in mind for your next meal.

Scanning my memories of different gifts I’ve received, my eyes drifted to my wrist.

Oh, I am for sure sharing that!

So I told the story of the night of generosity in Australia, and Moses’ watch. They loved it!

An idea came to my head.

Nervously, I ended with:

“…what if we tried it?”

“Found something to give away?”

I saw grins from around the table.

“Let’s do it!”

So it began.

We cleaned the plates, and everyone took some time to pray, look, and find something to give away.

Our friends who were visiting from Chicago went to their suitcases. I went to my room.

As we all gathered back together, gifts sat in laps, wrapped in hoodies, towels, and blankets.

One by one, family and friends gave each other something of their own. A guitar, a set of teacups, a favorite jacket, and many others I totally forget.

Tears came, lots of hugs, and deep intentionality.

I found a photo I took from the balcony:

I have now been a part of a few more of those giving nights over the years. It puts me into a state of gratitude and warm fuzzies. I love the invitation of asking God what I have to give. It scares me, sure, but it also reminds me that all I have is his anyways.

Generosity creates new opportunities, softens the heart, and reminds us to not grip too tightly on to anything.

I like that.

After my $15 watch’s band breaking in July this year, I decided to order the Casio Forester watch, velcro strap and everything.

All the memories came flooding back.

Now, each time I look at it, I remember that God speaks and that I am invited to be generous.

We’ll see how long it stays on for!

-Josh Caliguire

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These days are the perfect time to hop offline, delete some apps for a few days, and spend some time with your friends.

Embodied, real, genuine, needed.

Grab a drink with a friend.

Get some couch time, go for walks. Make a meal together.

Call a friend, tell them you care for them.

Ask them how their cat is doing, or what they are more of… a grilled cheese or hot dog kind of person.

Greetings from Atlanta, on my last day of a trip.

A post of mine got featured recently, the story of how my house became a gathering place for coffee and quiet time at 4:30AM, all week long. Wild times.

Here’s an Ode to Early Mornings:

The Remarkable Ordinary

An Ode to Early Mornings

The night is still in full effect, and the streets are quiet. It’s 4:15AM…

Read more

8 months ago · 48 likes · 12 comments · Josh Caliguire

Much love friends,

-Josh Caliguire

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I’d visit them, ask to sit next to them, put a hand on their shoulder, and listen for a while.

Then I would tell them… I’m glad you’re here.

I think you’re amazing.

Please, stay for a while.

I will be checking in on you.

If I could have the capacity of love, of greatness and omnipresence, I’d be visiting late in the night, right when they just needed the reassurance of a friend.

I’d hold their hand, wipe their tears, tell them they matter.

I’d call one of their friends to come over.

We would make breakfast in the morning, bacon and eggs. And we’d celebrate another day on planet earth. Together, alive, in all the ups and downs of daily life.

We’d say Grace around the table, thanking God for another sunrise.

I’d look at them and their bedhead, thinking that their future is bright. That they’ll have new adventures in the future. They’ll fall in love. Find a passion. Grow old and drink tea, get dentures and go birdwatching. Write birthday letters to their friends, making cheesy jokes. They’ll watch movies, and cry with popcorn kernels stuck in their dentures.

When I fall asleep tonight, I hope to visit every home. To have another moment of presence. Perhaps in my sleep, I will be taken there. I don’t know how it will go, but I hope they smile. I hope they remember the wonder of being alive.

I hope they realize that they’ve been on their phones too much. That they didn’t touch grass at all that day. And that their dog is just too cute to say goodbye to.

I hope I get to come to Brian’s house, and drink whisky on the couch and talk about his anxiety.

I hope I see Mary, and look through photos with her of her favorite travel trip with her mom and dad.

I hope I see Zac, and we can go outside and shoot hoops together at midnight. I’d ask him where feeling alone began.

I hope to see Jamal, and ask if he’d want to go for a walk. Maybe he’d tell me about the hurtful comments he read, and I could tell him it’s not true.

Maybe some night, when I go to sleep, I could float over to their house.

That I grow in my love, in my omnipresent skills.

Or maybe I can pray for the Zac’s, Mary’s, Jamals.

For our friends in trouble. The ones we don’t know are in trouble, too.

I know what a simple call at the right time can do.

And I know what alone feels like.

Maybe my call or visit could be a shoulder, a tissue, some bacon and toast in the morning for a friend.

The plan is to be picking popcorn kernels out of our dentures.

Let’s help each other get there.

September is Suicide Awareness Month.

Call your friends.

-Josh Caliguire

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It’s risky.

First impressions are nerve-racking, awkward interactions happen often, and in general, there’s a lot of guessing.

But, those interactions are both inevitable and essential. And the better we get at them, the more doors open. When you get better at talking to new people, it’s like the movie Yes Man with Jim Carrey.

New things can happen!

New possibilities, new friendships, and new adventure.

Besides, isn’t life made rich through relationships? They all have a starting place!

Over the years, I have had to practice my interactions with people. I still biff it, embarrass myself, and make false presumptions.

But I grow.

What I have observed through my own learning is that over time, I am getting better at making people feel comfortable around me. There are ways I can talk to them that make their shoulders drop a bit, their eyes get less shifty.

My own as well.

It does get easier.

Holding a conversation is an art. There can appear to be lots of dead ends. But as you practice, you can find ways to sustain them and enjoy them until it’s time to say goodbye.

I know, sometimes it feels like you have to survive a conversation.

But other times, a true bond is made.

They will always be unpredictable.

Through a couple thousand conversations in recent years, I want to give you some free tips to help you get ahead and enjoy your chats with new people!

#1

Say Hello to More People Around You.

Sometimes we pass with downcast eyes.

Only talk to people when necessary.

But when we greet others around us, looking them in the eyes, it validates them, showing them they matter.

It also denotes confidence, that you’re willing to engage with them.

It doesn’t cost much. Just a greeting and a smile!

Living in Mexico, I picked a very warm culture of saying hi.

Everywhere you go, all day: Buenos Días, Buenas Tardes, Buenas Noches!

I loved smiling and getting a smile back. Greeting and getting a greeting back.

Even if I pass someone with a big grumpy face.

I’ll give them a chipper greeting and a smile, and all of a sudden, it’s like they took a sip of strawberry milkshake. Someone said hi!

Now, wherever I go, I say hello to those around me. Look them in the eyes. It’s small, but I think it’s meaningful and worth doing.

Yes, even in the places where it’s not as customary.

Sometimes they’re taken off guard… is he greeting me? We don’t do that here.

But… I think they appreciate it. Everyone needs more connection. I’m willing to be the weird one.

Homework: Say hello!

#2

Ask for people’s names — more than is customary.

Knowing someone’s name helps them become of more substance in your mind. They go from random stranger to Jerry. Or Mary. Or Gary.

This one’s pretty basic, I know. Get people’s names more often, share yours.

And if/when you see them again, and you remember their name, it’s a subtle but meaningful moment of, “you matter, I remember you!”.

This became more and more important to me with interactions from people in any service industry.

They can be treated less-than-human and it’s sad to watch or hear about. Being their favorite customer of the day might be as easy as caring beyond you just receiving their service.

Homework: If someone is serving you, get their name.

Bonus: Ask them how their shift is going.

#3

Consider everyone as your friend.

I have developed an acute tenderness when I am in public. It’s like a general sense of moral affection towards those around me. It’s an inward belief that people are precious, they all have stories, and they all long to be loved.

So as a citizen of planet earth, I just made the decision that they’re my friends. Or at least, I am their friend. I wouldn’t mind talking to them. I wouldn’t mind serving them or helping them with something.

Just that little mindset makes me smile when I walk around. Almost like I’m looking at a room of friends. Or at least… pre-friends.

If growing in talking with new people requires some perspective change, considering everyone as your friend might be my favorite.

When you’re generous in your friendship towards others, you will find it reciprocated back more often.

Homework: As you walk around, think, “they’re my friend.”

# 4

Become a student of someone’s first language.

When you meet someone with a foreign accent, don’t ask, “where are you from?”. At least not initially.

They may just be from your town.

I’ve found a better question.

Ask, “what’s your first language?”

It’s a more respectful, non-assuming question.

Then, somewhere in the conversation, ask them how to say hello.

Try your best to repeat it.

Open your notes app, and write it down with the translation. Write it as you hear it.

Then, ask them how to say thank you.

Try your best to repeat it.

Write it as you hear it.

You will see them grinning

And next time you see them, pull out your phone notes, and practice again!

Learning a few words from their language honors them. Showing interest in their background tells them that they matter.

Greet them in their mother tongue!

Homework: learn the greetings of someone’s mother tongue, and write the words and translation down in your phone to remember. Just write it down as you hear it.

Bonus: Create a new note per language.

#5

Ask and Listen Out of Pure Curiosity.

My mom said something to me that I never want to forget.: “If you care enough to know, you will find… people are profoundly interesting.”

Sometimes we only listen to people enough to give an apt response back.

We ask questions, just to pass the time, not because we truly want to know more about their life and who they are.

But this has been deeply helpful to me: Instead of listening for how to ‘piggy back’ with another idea/comment, listen for nuggets.

A nugget is something you can identify with, empathize to, or become even more curious about. “So what was that like?” “How did that come about?”.

Homework: Go deeper into people’s stories. You will find… people are profoundly interesting.

Thanks for tagging along, friends!

-Josh Caliguire

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It’s wonderful that in the ancient Hebrew blessing, it says, "the Lord bless you and keep you…, May his face shine upon you…”. How cool is that?

Those light-up moments are minuscule in time, but nonetheless magical.

When my one-year-old’s face lights up to see me, it is the best part of the day.

I turn a corner, his gaze meet mine, and it’s pure sunshine.

The whole world fades away.

He grins with his six teeth, and shouts, ‘dadad!’, and starts crawling my way, laughing.

Delight

These themes of lighting up and joy speak of a word I found delightful: delight.

To delight in something is to take great pleasure in it.

It’s about beholding, basking in, celebrating something that has captured our attention and our affection.

Delight is not a forced thing; it is a reaction from the heart.

Kids do it well. Wonder and awe is their bread and butter.

Things like christmas, snowfall, and forts used to be the objects of my delight.

The way the rain would collect in the sides of the street and the leaves that floated down.

The way a hug from grandma felt… or the surprise knock on the door from a friend, asking to play.

I delighted in things because they were wonderful!

But along the way, as I grew up, my wonder for life around me lessened.

Life got rocky, I experienced disappointments, and my defense mode turned on. I experienced painful moments, disappointment, loneliness.

In our journey, there are things along the way make us start to distrust people, the world, and lose the joy we had in meeting others, or even the people around us that we know well.

Our ability to connect to others can be threatened to diminish.

It’s almost like we can lose our delight in people and life around us.

I am always struck by the lyrics, “‘may we never lose our wonder’” by Amanda Cook, as if it recalls me to a time when I use to see the world in a more beautiful way.

Life can get lackluster in many ways, and one of the most dangerous ways is when we lose our wonder in the people around us.

However, during my years traveling, learning from others, and experiencing God, things began to change.

There is now something I like to practice that makes me smile every time I say it:

The Art of Delighting in People.

Because I grew up around Christians, I learned from a young age that loving others was a really good use of time on this earth.

But it was unclear exactly how to do it.

All I knew was, God loved us, and he loved the people around us.

And somehow, that love was supposed to then flow from me.

I tried to force it.

There used to be a lot of ‘should’s’ in my life.

But along the way, through different experiences with God and with others, I started to learn that, as I saw people differently, I started to treat them differently. That when I became a good receiver, I started to be a better giver to others.

I found myself in awe a lot, and it opened my eyes!

Yi Mei’s Awe Walk

Ok so I thought this was FASCINATING. I hope you will too.

In 2023 a study was conducted around the topic of awe.

After collecting thousands of awe stories from all around the world, researchers sorted them into eight categories, which they called the Eight Wonders of Life:

1. Moral beauty

2. Collective effervescence (shared actions like dancing or singing together)

3. Nature

4. Music

5. Visual design

6. Spiritual and religious awe

7. Life and death

8. Epiphanies

I read about this study in The Anxious Generation, in a chapter explaining how phones/social media distract/remove us from the spiritual part of our being. The author Jonathan Haidt, albeit an atheist, wrote the most beautiful chapter on spirituality.

He includes an anecdote of Yi-Mei, a student in Jonathan’s New York University Flourishing Class.

After learning about this 2023 study and the researcher’s background story, she and her classmates were assigned a 30 minute walk in Central Park, without their phones, and instructed just to be fully present.

Jonathan writes, “They were some of the most beautiful writings I’ve read from my students in 30 years.”

Yi Mei’s experience really got my attention. Listen for the art of delighting in people:

‘I was so overwhelmed with how beautiful the park seemed in the spring that I took time sitting on a bench contemplating it's beauty and finding moral delight and affection toward the people that I see walking around, smiling at each of them as they look at me.

It felt as if the experience of beauty and awe made me more generous and drawn into the present. The petty concerns of the past suddenly felt dull, and to worry about the future felt unnecessary because of how secure and calm I felt now. It was like I was experiencing a stretch of time and saying to myself and my anxiety that, “everything will be OK”. There was also a swarming feeling of happiness and simply wanting to connect with and talk to people.”

I love that a walk in nature gave Yi Mei new eyes for the people around her.

I read that and had to put the book down for a second and guffaw.

I resonate with Yi-Mei’s experience in the park.

Come to think of it, there were certain awe-inducing things that made me more grateful and more aware of the people around me.

Many of those eight categories I have experienced, but #6 has hit hardest when it came to love.

Belovedness

God’s love has given a new lens for life. Some of the times, it was when I was deepest in a moment of prayer, being grateful that God was with me, and being aware that God loved me.

I’ll try to explain my awe experience:

Once I was aware that God loved me, it was an intoxicating feeling. It was as if the whole universe knew my name.

After that thought had landed, I was also aware that the whole universe knew the name of the person next to me.

That the person next to me was beloved!

They, like me were chosen, precious, and darling - the apple of God’s eye.

I found that when I was aware of someone’s belovedness, a smirk appeared on my face… “do they know?” “Has anyone shown or told them today that they are loved?”

It began a fun season in my life when i was growing in awareness of the delightful nature of people. Reading Yi Mei’s awe-walk story felt similar.

She just wanted to connect with people more!

All eight of those awe-categories are worth exploring. I’m tempted to print them somewhere in my house to remind myself of the ways I can experience wonder.

I hope you’ve enjoyed hearing about the Art of Delighting in People. In later writings, I’d love to share more ways I’m learning to delight and share delight. But for now, just have a think about it.

Be warned… once you're delighting in people… You can't help but share your delight. Joy will be shared, smiles will be shared, new conversations and connections.

That's where the fun comes, where loving people doesn’t come with agenda.

You just think people are delightful.

Have fun.

-Josh Caliguire

Let me know what you thought! I love to hear from my readers!

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It’s a sunny morning in the middle of nowhere, Alberta, Canada. It’s quiet and green, very different than our usual typical life in Mazatlan, Mexico.

Fog has been coming in the mornings, and earlier this week, my neighbor Barry and I got to witness it in its prime.

I normally host early morning gatherings in our home in Mexico, but for these two months, I’ve resolved to waking up on Tuesdays. Open house and always coffee. It might just be me and Barry for a while, though.

This Tuesday morning was the extra space in my day that my soul needed. I could sit, journal, take in the day a bit slower.

So anyways. That’s what’s new.

Most of you are new to You’ve Got a Friend, which I’ve been writing since April of 2024. I’m working on some new posts currently, but thought it may be helpful to get some context!

I’ve decided to make a Table of Contents for you to peek through. I hope these posts can be helpful to you in your journey of pursuing friendship and connection in this next season.

I’ll organize these by category.

We’ve got:

• Friendship/Community

• Travel

• Personal Life/Stories

• Tea

At the end, I will introduce myself a bit more.

So, find something that looks tasty, grab a coffee or tea, and enjoy!

Friendship/Community

The Art of Delighting in People (The role of awe/wonder in loving others)

5 Tips on Talking to Strangers (And Making Them Friends). (Self explanatory!)

Fair Warning About Other People (Tips on how to view people )

The Most Beautiful Thing You've Ever Seen (Middle School awkwardness and shallow conversations)

How to Never Be Lonely: A Pilot’s Guide to Everyday Connection (Pro tips from a pilot in a coffee shop)

Receiving is the New Giving (Why being a good receiver is a way to love others)

Navigating the Rising Tide of Isolation & Loneliness (My most in-depth blog about how to improve your friendships and make new ones)

The Frog Boil of Modern Friendships (Neglect/fading relationships)

What Does a True Friend Do? (Crowdsourced from Substack writers)

Hi, I’d Like to Embarrass Myself with You (Learning languages to connect with others)

“Hey, You Came to Mind” - Why that Text Hits So Deep (What it means to be thought of!)

The Pancake Party (An inspiring experience I had of a gathering around pancakes)

One Day Friendships (Stories of deep connection just for a day)

Community the Catalyst (Community helps us do hard and healthy things)

Phantom Connection (Our phones are isolating us from friends)

Pillow Talk (Sharing a room with someone and talking before falling asleep)

Call Up Your Friends (A more poem-style post on how to call your friends)

15 Questions (Table questions, deep questions, all the good stuff)

Writing and Work

Stop Scrolling and Write Like it’s 1776 (Why I started my Substack and the need for writing)

3 Remote Work Tips for Extroverts (It’s hard, yo.)

Screw Perfectionism (Also hard.)

Don’t Let Analytics Trash Your Self Worth (How often do you check your stats for your posts?)

Travel

The Camino de Santiago Pilgrimage Series (France and Spain,)

Part 1: The Mourning Father (The story that brought me to walk the Camino)

Part 2: Soaked and Happy (It poured the whole time on day one. It was great.)

Part 3: Over the Pyrenees. (Epic photos)

Part 4: Praying for Pilgrims (I asked 14 people along the way, can I pray for you?)

Part 5: The Road to Pamplona (Walking. A lot. I need coffee.)

Part 6: Not All Who Wander are Lost (What it was like to be a pilgrim (Lord of the Rings themed))

My All Time Favorites of My Wife’s Travel Photography (Breathtaking shots with captions.)

Thank You, Lebanon (Memories and people I met while in Lebanon in 2022)

Personal Life/Stories

The Story of Early Mornings (a long-standing tradition of waking up at 4:30AM and hosting people at our house for coffee and quiet time)

Letters to My Younger Self (If I could go back and leave some notes along the way)

Sarah’s Journal (How I began to practice journaling)

Survival Mode (A difficult season with a newborn baby)

I’m Glad You’re Here (A piece for Suicide Awareness Month)

Can I Have Your Watch? (Stories of hearing God’s voice and generosity)

Floor Books with Sammy (A little photo update of time with my baby boy, while we live in Mexico)

Beautiful and Lonely (A story of a hike up a mountain by myself, at night)

Freezer-Burned Ice Cream (Gratitude and being present)

Tea

What Craft Tea is and How it Compares to Craft Coffee. (I was a tea guy first.)

Ditching Coffee for Yerba Maté (Sharing about yerba mate as a coffee alternative!)

Tea and Friends (How I discovered the world of loose leaf tea, and eventually worked at a traditional Chinese teahouse)

A bit more about me:

When I die, I hope I will be remembered as good friend, a good husband, and a good father. That will have been a success.

Our phones, our work, and our entertainment take up so much of our energy and time right now. That doesn’t give a lot of breathing room for abundant, lifelong friendships.

And that’s not cool.

So I’ve been joining the revolt against isolation and loneliness with what I can offer, which is my stories, my witness of God’s love for others, and lots of experience meeting and befriending people around the globe.

My promise to you is that I will do my very best to keep learning and growing in friendship myself, and pass on the best of what I discover along the way. As much as I love good vocab and syntax, I never use AI for my Substack. It just doesn’t feel right.

You can expect tips (a lot through stories) on how to make new friends, and have better connections with the ones you already have. Expect a few random posts along the way when I go rogue and get a bit more abstract/off topic.

I post a few times a month typically, and all my posts will always be free.

I have a small team of paid subscribers that contribute to my work. It means the world to me.

To support my writing, you can consider upgrading to a paid subscription. It’s $6.50/ month, so let’s say a cappuccino and a chocolate croissant. Caffeine and sugar are excellent for writing!

If you do become a paid subscriber, I’d love to reach out and say thanks.

The highest tier of my subscribers, The Inner Circle, get an annual delivery to their house, called the Friendship Curation. Normally includes things like books, tea/coffee, letter, etc to say THANK YOU! Cuz everyone loves receiving something in the mail.

That’s all for now, folks! Thanks for coming along with me.

-Josh Caliguire

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Use your fingers to count how many messaging platforms you have.

Ready?

Go.

I’ll wait.

Great job.

Now, how long would it take to scroll to the bottom of each of those?

Oh boy…

Ok. Super overwhelming.

All of these are people you have, at some point, interacted with.

Strangers, acquaintances, friends, close friends, besties.

All bouncing around your digital spaces. Some you keep up with. Some you haven’t responded to. Some haven’t responded to you.

All of this is only semi-real, right? Although it’s great to stay in touch with people with these tools… I have an observation:

We’re doing the real friendship stuff less.

Our messaging, post-commenting, and reaction-giving is diluting the strength of our actual friendships.

Because it’s taking our time and energy away from cultivating the real thing.

And there’s just too much of it. Too many platforms, too many messages we can’t get back to, too many connections that went dead after either of you never responded.

They unfortunately go nowhere. They feel stagnant. Endless lists of frozen connection.

A few years ago, in a dark season of my life, I felt extremely alone. My soul longed for connection, for a friend, for community.

A thought popped into my head, “I should reach out to someone.”

So I scrolled through past DM’s looking for a sign of someone that I could ring up.

But anxiety grew in my heart,

“Am I really friends with any of these people?”

“What would I even say, if I did call them? …I can’t call them.”

“What would I even say in a message…. could you be my friend? Can I talk to you? No. Too embarrassing. The last message was 6 months ago.”

The Substance of Friendship

Good friendships, like good gardens, do not ‘just happen’ to bear fruit and nourish others.

There are seeds planted and watered, and there are certainly weeds that need to be dealt with.

We can’t expect our efforts on Stardew Valley or Farmville to move an inch of real soil.

Neither should we hope the back and forth of messaging and post-commenting will do the heavy lifting of the connection that friendship needs.

Ever heard of a frog boil?

If you drop a frog into hot water, they will jump out immediately.

If you drop a frog in cold water, and turn up the heat to boil, the gradual change over time never alerts them to jump out.

All of a sudden, because there wasn’t a moment of panic, our little frog friend became frog stew.

Friendships in this modern world are in danger of drifting apart, until there doesn’t seem to be a connection anymore. There’s no moment of rift, disagreement, or a decision to not pursue friendship anymore.

It’s just… neglect. Until it’s been a few months, a few years.

Are you still friends? Yes.

It’s just that the friendship garden needs tending to.

So here’s my encouragement for you.

Write down the names of a few friends that come to mind. One is okay too.

Plant some new seeds of connection with them!

Water with quality time together, a good question, or a call out of the blue.

Grab some gloves and work on your friendship together.

Weed out the stuff that’s been inhibiting deeper connection —Don’t be afraid to get some dirt under your fingernails for the sake of growth.

When you have free time, invest your attention and free time in the real stuff.

As best as you can, make it real-time, face to face. If not possible, audio/video calls are the next best.

If you give someone a ring today, they may even tell you, “It’s good to hear your voice”. Or maybe you’ll tell them.

I love that phrase.

If you invite someone for a walk, a coffee, a grocery run, they may even tell you, “thanks for thinking of me”.

I love that phrase too.

Whatever it ends up being, the frog boil doesn’t get the best of it.

Happy friendship, friends!

I’ll leave you with a few candids of one of the best friendships out there.

-Josh Caliguire

I love to hear from my readers! Leave a comment below!

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If you want more tips on friendship and intentionality, this is the most detailed article:

I asked a bunch of writers about friendship.

The prompt was simple:

A friend is someone who ____________

The answers were incredible.

They go straight to what’s most important.

…And, honestly, they touched on the hardest stuff for us to do as friends.

But where it actually matters most.

The deep, the hard, the ugly.

When things go wrong.

When there’s pain. Loss. Strife. Bad Decisions.

It turns out, that’s where the real friendwork is.

I’ll turn it over to them.

A Friend is Someone Who….

Knows you…the real you -

You can sit in silence with and not feel awkward about it. -

Is present and open -

Loves you where you are, but also loves you enough to help you make the hard journey out of the pit you sometimes dig yourself -

I commented, —So true. And that journey can be long. I think “beside you” in painful times is big one. Presence. How have you seen friends help each other out of that pit?

Soy responded, —in my experiences, when its me in the pit, spiraling into self deprecation or other pits, my friends are there and hear me in what im feeling, but then call out the falsehoods im letting myself believe with truths they have seen in me. Then it is followed up with check ins to see where i am after the initial escape from the pit to ensure im not backsliding, or if i am to offer more help in moving forward.

You don’t hesitate to spontaneously call -

Listens -

‘…Stabs you in the front,’ to borrow from Oscar Wilde. Someone who cares enough to call you out when that's needed - and then is alongside you to support your efforts to be the best version of yourself possible. -

I responded, —Wow. I haven’t heard that before! A few years ago I had to learn to confront but was so afraid because I had never seen it done well…. Like could I really engage in this conversation and come out the other side with them knowing I just really love them and want their best? So good Chris. Any examples of a friend you have?

Chris said, —That risk of being misunderstood by a friend, of our attempt at corrective conversation going badly awry and harming the relationship more so than whatever the original infraction was, is a real thing, for sure, Josh! I can attest to that as a member of a covenanted Christian community, where I see the same people on a daily basis; because of our shared life in community, we get to know each other “warts and all.”

But we’ve made a commitment to one another that we won’t hold grudges or allow conflicts to fester, and that we’ll use Jesus’ instructions in Matthew 18 as the blueprint for conflict resolution. That means, when I have a problem with a friend, my first obligation is to speak directly with that person.

Can be awkward? Sure! And, yeah, sometimes things escalate and we have to involve another person to help resolve things. But more often than not, in my experience, if I can speak to a friend in truth but also in humility (recognizing I may not have all the facts, I only have one perspective, etc.), it’s not hard to quickly forgive each other and move forward with an even deeper relationship than at the outset. And plenty of times, when I’ve gone to a friend to discuss something that’s irked me, I end up being the one apologizing for misreading / misunderstanding things - and then we have a good laugh at my expense. It’s cathartic, either way!

Of course, a common understanding of a shared goal (or faith) helps in this kind of problem-solving. But I have found it is a gift to have friends who help me in this way: it gives me surety that others have my best interests at heart, and care about me enough to help me be my best self. -

Graciously calls you out when you’re wrong. -

“Knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words.” someone else said this and it’s stuck with me ever since. -

Halves your sorrows and doubles your joys. That’s JC Ryle, not me haha. But yeah. -

Knows when to hold em, knows when to fold em, knows when to walk away, and when to run. -

Loves you enough to hold you accountable -

The one I came away pondering the most was this: “Knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you’ve forgotten the words”, which graciously passed on. I think that one, even in movie scenes gets me…when the dear friend reminds the protagonist who they really are, not the façad they’ve embraced out of insecurity, fear, or shame.

To all who shared… I know that those don’t come from good ideas, but lived experience in your own souls and friendships. Thank you.

Thanks for tagging along! Let me know what you thought in the comments.

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With me?

Why were we sitting together?

Well… I have a new habit: Can I sit here?

I know. It’s a bit bold. Even though there’s more empty seating, I come join someone else.

But each time, I find a new friend. Sometimes we’ll share stories, food, or just a brief talk.

So I sat across him.. and we ended up talking for 20 minutes.

By the end, we both said that we had found a kindred spirit in each other.

Can I sit here?

Sure, go for it.

Where’s your accent from? Irish? Scottish?

English, from Yorkshire!

I love Yorkshire Gold tea!

Yeah, it’s good stuff!

What’s your name?

Andrew. Yours?

Josh! So what are you doing in Canada?

I’m a pilot, staying at a friend’s house near the river for a few days.

So, you’re a pilot? You must meet a lot of people.

Oh, yeah, all over the world. Con-stantly.

We began to talk about one of my favorite topics, friendship. Andrew proceeded to blow my mind with his way of life, interacting with people.

He told me, I am never lonely wherever I go, even though I travel. I make friends!

—Ok, I’m interested.

Friends, I present to you A Pilot’s Guide to Everyday Connection.

Say Hello

I say hello to every person I come across, regardless of where I am.

Wow, this could not be more simple. But it’s true… i’ve been around lots of cultures, and greeting people is not for every culture. Sometimes, you pass with downcast eyes. Only talk to people where necessary. But I think everyone appreciates a greeting.

Andrew said that it’s classy and kind to say hi to everyone. It doesn’t cost you anything!

When you give people attention like that, looking them in the eyes, it validates them, shows them they matter. I always greet the janitor in the bathroom, and call him Sir.

There are so many people, because of status or work, that we ignore or pass by. Looking them in the eyes and asking how their day is going is simple, but it’s possible no one else has done it that day. You might make their day a bit better.

All conversations start with hello.

Give a Shit

Andrew said that most “how are you’s” are not genuine. It normally ends with ‘good’, and onwards we go, to the business.

He told me it means so much to people to actually care how their day is going, especially service providers like airline attendants.

Most people don’t get past ‘chicken or beef’ on a flight. So you will be a god in their eyes if you simply talk with them, care how they are doing.

Ask specific questions about them. Show them you genuinely are interested in them.

Listen. Actually listen!

I asked, do you know what the lingo ‘Main Character Energy’ is?

No.

I did my best to explain it, and then said, Often we are only interested in people to the extent that we need them. They are only as valuable as how much we need their service. I think the opposite of Main Character Energy is Generosity of Spirit. Like, going into a place thinking of what you can give away… attention, care, curiosity, instead of what you can get.

—I like that term, I’ll keep that in mind. Generosity of Spirit…

Don’t stand in silence waiting

Andrew told me, before this, I was in line to get my coffee, and the line was quiet. So I decided to turn around, say hello to the lady behind me, and ask what she was going to order. We’re both in the line together, anyways.

—Yeah, I guess you might as well make a friend!

—Often we’re in places where no one thinks to branch out and say hi. But the wait is much better with a conversation. Otherwise you’re just in silence waiting.

It reminded me of my friend Max, who told me that before college classes, everyone is on their phones waiting. No one talks. He said it’s depressing!

It can be hard to break that barrier.

Complements

Andrew said, another great way to start a conversation is to give them a complement.

Everyone has at least one thing complement-able about them.

Enlightenment

Andrew asked, Josh, how did you get so enlightened to care about this topic and live like this too?

I felt like I was reading Siddhartha, I’ve never used that word before!

I sat back to think.

I told him I had spent the last years abroad doing missions and volunteer work, meeting people from all over the world.

My friends and I have a worldview that people are God’s treasure. They are his Beloved. I’ve experienced that the more I was aware of my own belovedness to God, and aware of his ‘delight’ for every person, I began to treat them differently. The more I received that love, I was able to give it out freely

He thought that was neat.

Andrew gave me his card, and we eventually parted ways. It was 20 minutes of delightful conversation.

I learned so much.

Even just the reminder to say hello. It’s laughably simple. But perhaps a dying tradition in a fearful world.

That’s all for today, folks.

-Josh Caliguire

I love to hear from my readers! Leave a comment below!

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If you’ve been encouraged by my writing and want to say thanks, becoming a paid subscriber is a small way to support this work!

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